Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction and satire, if you are looking for fitness tips or nutritional advice, you will not find it here. What you will find is a few good laughs, some wit and maybe even a little sarcasm. While the names are real, all similarities to actual events are strictly coincidental and unintended.
I recently received an item from a mysterious individual. His identity must remain mystery to all of you, as knowledge of his powers would be too much for this world to bear. I vowed that I would remain discreet throughout our transaction and I intend to hold up my side of the bargain. Consider this my, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you" declaration. But I digress... on to the item that I now possess. This item can tell many truths about individuals, truths that they might not want you (or anyone) to know. With basic background information, this device has allowed me to look deep into the souls of the few selected for my experiment. I learned things about their pasts, their futures and deep dark secrets held by these individuals. The power of this device may be too great for one man to hold alone; therefore I will share some of this information with you. I have looked into some of your favorite SWAT trainers and the device has answered the old question, "Just what would they do if they were not trainers at SWAT?" Unfortunately, my research has only stretched as far as SWAT East at present.
Mike Lacoss - Wedding DJ Extraordinaire.
Mike's professional demeanor is outweighed only by his desire to have a good time. His love of dance music and motivating people made him an exceptionally qualified candidate for the International Academy of Wedding DJs (I know, I was shocked that this was a real place too). Although the work was difficult and often times tedious, Mike pressed on and graduated Magna Cum Laude from the prestigious institution, almost guaranteeing him the top wedding DJ assignments in the US and abroad.
Mike spent his first few years mastering his craft at local and regional weddings where you could hear his, now legendary, mixes and positive affirmations. He could be heard far and wide saying things like "this next track goes out to all the ladies out there," or correcting dysfunctional dance move technique. Mike was steadily becoming the best wedding DJ in the US and continued to land the best gigs available and he was world renown for his incomparable ability to help the bride and groom cash-in big time during the money dance. However, it wasn't until a few years into his career that he developed what one observer called "the greatest wedding mix of all time." You see, it was around this time that Mike was called in by a bride-to-be to save her wedding from the horrific DJing of her soon to be brother in law. Mike, no stranger to the big-time jumped at the opportunity, but he knew that he had to bring something extra special to this party. He racked his brain for days contemplating something that would really blow the minds of the party guests, and, as legend has it, he did.
The night of the wedding was upon him and he pulled out all the best DJ tricks, he had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand, but what he did next was entirely unexpected. I want you to think back to any wedding you have ever been to and catalog the songs you remember hearing at each one. The list should read something like this: Shout, The Electric Slide, YMCA and The Twist. If your list is different, you are luckier than most... I suppose. Those four songs are forever linked to every wedding in the last 30 years, and Mike knew it. But, Mike also knew that the songs were old and stale. His solution was to combine the best parts of each of the four songs into one mega song, and then he took the mega song and put it over a traditional techno beat. He had just invented the world's greatest bad wedding song mix-tape. He introduced the song as "DJ Mike's Chip Away Wedding Mega Mix" and played the song for the crowd. The crowd stood motionless and speechless in awe of a true master of his craft; that is, until the catchiness of the music made it impossible for anyone not to dance. Immediately after the song's conclusion the crowd erupted into applause and whistles; a standing ovation so uproarious that people up to 3 miles away have been reported to have heard it. Mike Lacoss had arrived, and he was never leaving his spot as DJ number one.
Recently, Mike was called in to DJ the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton and rumor has it, his new mixes even got the Queen to show off her "Straight Outta Buckingham" dance moves.
Shaun Hazelton - UPS Delivery Driver
After Shaun's football career was ended by a terrible muscle-up injury, he was down and out. He still had the drive to succeed and an un-quenchable thirst for competition. One day, while doing his 20 rep-max barbell squats in the garage he saw a very aloof and lazy UPS man delivering packages to the house next door. Shaun barked up from his last squat and yelled at the UPS man, "Hey, you are a joke! I bet I could do your job twice as well as you." The UPS man replied, "mind your business you bearded freak, you don't have what it takes for this job... and put a shirt on." That was all the motivation Shaun needed.
Shaun went down to UPS that same day and regaled the managers with his motivation and self confidence. He was hired on the spot and assigned to the UPS training center. During his training he was known for his ability to charm the delivery recipient with his positive attitude and love for his job. He was then assigned his own delivery route, in blisteringly hot Arizona. Now, I am not going to say that he made the short brown shorts famous, but let's just say that with quads like that; he certainly made the wardrobe popular amongst certain circles.
Shaun still drives his original route and has the highest lifetime delivery rate of any driver in UPS history; he is exceptionally committed to his craft. One particular instance shows this fact in great detail. It was the dead of winter in Arizona (which means that it was about 85 degrees) and he had just delivered a large package to an empty house. As he was getting back into the truck he witnessed a large brown bear (which do not exist in Arizona) walk onto the porch attempting to grab the package. Knowing that his delivery rate was in jeopardy, Shaun leaped out of the square, brown delivery vehicle and attacked the bear. He body slammed the beast to the ground and proceeded to beat it with a tire iron he kept in the truck. The bear eventually submitted, and retreated back into the forest (what?). Shaun, with his uniform in tatters and bleeding from several flesh wounds remained calm, gathered himself and continued on with his deliveries. From then on, all the fake Arizona bears knew to go nowhere near Shaun's UPS truck. A bear researcher recently uncovered a bear cave with many hieroglyphics depicting the battle, Shaun is shown as a large, muscular being with bright red eyes, a beard so burly it would make Waylon Jennings jealous and the title of "Papa Grande."
In a recent, rare interview conducted with Shaun, he told the reporter that he is in training for the UPSFit games, a package delivery competition that encompasses the 10-elements of sound package delivery. These movements are done at carrying speeds and intensities and only one man will be crowned "Fittest (to deliver packages) on Earth."
Eugene McDougal - Bandleader, Gene and the Argonauts
Gene, once a promising pseudo-nuclear physicist decided to put his career on hold to focus on his first passion, music. Gene came to this decision after he was discovered by a talent scout when he was pulled on-stage at a Sarah McLaughlin concert to sing backup on "I will remember you." His voice was so enchanting, the scout knew he had to make a deal. The scout approached Gene and asked him if he ever considered a career in music. Gene, without hesitation, said "yes." The scout told him that he had something very special and he would like to hear more from him. Gene obliged and invited the scout out to listen to his band, Gene and the Argonauts, practice. The scout met with Gene and his band and listened to them run through their set and signed them to his record label on-the-spot, even though the band was not a typical act that the record label would sign. You see, Gene and the Argonauts were a lounge band, and not just any lounge band, they were the greatest lounge band in the world. They had been mesmerizing Tucson lounge patrons for years with their lounge interpretations of popular songs. Who could forget these timeless classics: a take on the Britney Spears song, "Hit me Baby, One More Lime," or the interpretation of the Georgia Satellites classic, "Keep your Martini Top Shelf." Gene and the Argonauts were already a Tucson night club mainstay, but they were destined for greatness. The band is now lighting up the stage at various nightclubs in the biggest cities in the world wowing audiences with hits ranging from the Jay-Z inspired "99 Vodkas," and "Big Sippin" or spoofs on Police songs like "Merlot in a Bottle" and "Can't Stand Boozing You."
Kory Faber - Proprietor, Marlee and Me Doggy Day Care and Pup Scrub
The only thing Kory loves more than a brutal metcon or marathon rowing session is his dog, Murph. When Kory left the Airforce he fell in love with an adorable little puppy that he eventually named Murph. Murph went everywhere with Kory and everyone was happy to see him, giving him treats and lots of attention. Murph ate so many treats as a puppy, he was able to make bodyweight gains of 30% every week. This posed a problem for Kory because Murph was getting too big for the small dog pet-care centers and was still too small for the large dog pet care centers.
It was around this time that Kory's daughter, Marlee, brilliantly decided that they should open their own and Marlee and Me Doggy Day Care was born. Kory worked tirelessly to accommodate all the dogs, so much so that he even had to institute a waiting list. I have heard rumors that the waiting list is 100 names long and growing. Kory treats all the dogs just like his own, discipline and all. Kory has been known to make whiny dogs run up to 5k and clinically restrict and monitor certain overweight dog's diets.
Kory has recently taken an interest in helping overweight dogs drop those unwanted pounds. Some dogs are defiant at first, but a few days on Kory's weight loss system will have them fit and ready to carry the largest bone in the yard. Kory later found having so many dogs around was great for morale, but bad for air quality. You know, because dogs stink... He then decided to open a subsidiary business in the form of a Pup Scrub. It was here that Kory learned he could wash the dogs all at once and dry them off with the wind created by a Concept2 Rower.
Kory can be seen all over town walking 15 or more dogs at a time, all in perfect step with the rest because they know that one false move will mean extra work for them. Kory refuses to work with clients that question his methods, and why should he? He has a long waiting list, the business is booming and he doesn't have to fight with anyone.
I would be remissed if I didn't look into my own alternative life, so...
Tyler Nachtman - Corporate Sensitivity Trainer
As many of you know, Tyler is a graduate of the very liberal University of Oregon, a university that some have referred to as "Berkeley North." At first, Tyler was appalled by the wildly left-wing, often times socialist collegiate environment, but something changed. Like the Grinch who stole Christmas, witnessing the kindness and compassion of the trinket-trading hippies and borderline transients, Tyler's heart grew 3 sizes.
Rather than continuing on with his very practical studies in economics, Tyler changed his major to the more love-dovey, Social Sensitivity and Modern Compassion studies. Instead of focusing on concrete, logical things like numbers and equations, Tyler read books on topics like the "duality of being" and "humanistic philosophy." Classes were not graded because grades create social classes and we are all one people. Tyler graduated at the top of his class, just like everyone else in his major, and went on to do sensitivity consulting with many Fortune 500 companies. His workshops removed all rank structure from the organization and people were free to speak their minds, as long as they didn't say anything that was provocative or would possibly offend anyone. He opened his workshops with a one hour meditation and reflection period where attendees were asked to expel negative energy from their sub-conscious. This hour concluded with vegan, gluten-free smoothies and a 15 minute hugging session where attendees could show their compassion for total strangers.
Tyler became one of the top sensitivity trainers in the country and he made a great fortune, but because money was less important that love and compassion, he donated the majority of it to charities that supported different causes around the world. Unfortunately, the American way of life was too capitalistic for Tyler and his frustration with greedy executives and wall-street fat cats finally took a toll on him. He moved out of the country a few years ago to live with a small aboriginal tribe somewhere in the Congo. Sadly, Tyler has never been heard from since.
Life Coach and Author Jana Beutler Holland, M.Ed., is a former English Teacher, Therapist, and Juvenile Probation Officer.
After years of working in the fields of Education and Law Enforcement, Jana's interest in helping delinquent youths led naturally into a graduate program in Counseling. She received a Masters in Educational Psychology with an emphasis in Counseling in 2001. She is a National Board Certified Counselor, and is 2005 President of the Adlerian Society of Arizona (an affiliate of the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology).
She is founder and Director of Life in Motion Coaching, a company providing life coaching, health, fitness, and wellness coaching. She and her husband own SWAT (Strength Wellness Athletic Training), a personal fitness training company in Tucson, Arizona.
Jana uses her expertise and experience in education and counseling by specializing in life and lifestyle coaching for clients needing guidance and accountability in reaching personal, professional, and/or or fitness and weight loss goals.
Visit her blog at http://www.swatfitness.com/swatguy
or visit the SAWAT Personal Training Tucson website at http://www.swatfitness.com
